This is Not About You: Archive

Just wondering...

If you knew how crazy I was about you, would you treat me any differently?

Aug 1st

Loaves of Bread

Someone said to me, “The past two nights I’ve gone up to the grocery store to buy bread and I’ve gone to the same girl cashier each time. Tonight she said, ‘This is becoming a ritual for us, huh?’ and tomorrow night I’m going again even though I don’t need to.” I said to him, “How do you go through so much bread?” “I have a loaf...

Jul 11th

1 note

I told you I missed you

And you told me that you haven’t had time to miss me. Somehow I understood.

Jun 25th

Angry

I don’t know so I will type instead, because I can’t scream at you, or because I can scream at you, and that scares me, that I could find you, and hold you down, and just, scream, in your face.

Jun 20th

Never leave your loved ones

I often wonder what happened to you, where you are now and what became of you. I drove by the old house and saw it was empty and for rent—kind of sad. So much time has passed since I last saw you. It’s been a year since I last wrote and never heard back from you, not even a reply or a how are you, nothing. Time before that you stabbed me in the back and heart and I didn’t hear...

Jun 19th

Not a moment too soon

You told me that you wished you could be in my mind for a second and I told you that you were already in my heart forever.

Jun 18th

I'll love you...

…for all eternity but soon, that won’t make a difference. You return my love with indifference. If you’re wondering whether I’ll call you out again to protect others, the answer is no. Nor will I try to reach you again. I think this is the ending you wanted all along. You’ve chosen denial and cowardice—never facing the one you betrayed, never owning up to nor...

May 5th

Rhetorical question

Why is it so much easier to hate someone for the rest of your life than to forgive and forget?

Apr 20th

It is unfortunate that

My default solution for solving problems with friends is to never see or speak to them again.

Apr 9th

And just like that

One little thing, and any crush I had on you was instantly gone.

Mar 28th

Forever and a day

Two weddings, kids, two graduate degrees since we talked, Since we took the Staten Island Ferry, The wind blowing your perfume, the scent lingering on my shirt, scarf, outlasting the rides on 4 trains, 1 bus I would take to get home afterwards. You gave me your pink scarf I kept for 10 years, then discarded with your pictures negatives, letters, cards. I thought to purge you, erase the...

Mar 27th

I hope nothing but good comes your way

Everything is all so broken that even if we attempt to fix it, it is not the foundation I want us to build upon. We have different ways of communicating, opening up and sharing. And I can not, nor do not want to change that. My sentiments have been genuine all along. And where I never let my guard down, with you I allowed myself to express freely and without the fear of being vulnerable. And...

Mar 26th

Sorry for being sorry

I often wonder what happened to you, where you are and what became of you. I drove by the old house and saw it was empty and for rent, kind of sad. So much time has passed since I last saw you, a year since I last wrote you, never heard back from you, not even a reply or a how are you, nothing. Time before that you stabbed me in the back and heart and I didn’t hear from you that time either....

Mar 25th

I don't know you anymore

I have loved you with my whole heart as long as I’ve known you. I stayed faithful and loyal while you were not able to do the same. I forgave and we tried again (and again and again). I don’t know why you are the way you are or why you do the things you do but your actions are starting to affect me (past and present). Why can’t you just stay faithful and allow yourself to love me...

Mar 24th

Unsure and insecure

It scares me to know that you could do so much better than me.

Mar 22nd

This year's love

I know you’re too young for me. I knew that from the beginning. You’re too young for the hurricane that my life is right now, it’s way too much to ask you to take on. And you have all of these big, wonderful plans for your life, and the age difference would require one or both of us to make too many sacrifices. I know this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I just...

Mar 21st

That's fine by me

I understand that you’re exhausted. You’ve always claimed exhaustion, and I’ve always been empathetic towards it. But at a certain point, don’t you have to take some responsibility for your exhaustion? In your case, isn’t it based on neglect, as opposed to working through the issue? Escape and flight, as opposed to real encounters with pain and loss? Doesn’t the...

Mar 19th

On a happier note

You make me smile so much my cheeks hurt.

Mar 15th

Quit playing games with my heart

I knew someone like you once. He had me in the palm of his hand but he always thought the grass would be greener on the other side. I did hurt, a lot, and he did a good job of making sure every last little piece got crushed. Now, just because I’m no longer their doormat and found a genuinely kind and caring man who isn’t afraid of letting me in, I’m the fickle one. Go figure. ...

Mar 14th

Still, thank you for yesterday

It’s killing me that we seem to keep wanting opposite things from one another. I’m just flat out in love with you, it looks like. And you, you’re what, “willing to give it a shot?” I’m afraid of course, but I’d be with you if you wanted me. I want that so much. But I don’t think you really know whether you do. And I appreciate that you don’t...

Mar 13th

If it truly matters, a burnt bridge can always be...

I’ve never met someone who has made me so anxious as you have for the past year. I see you sometimes and I can’t breathe. Especially now, it’s harder to breathe without you in my life. It’s harder to wake up in the morning and not see your sleeping face. But I’ve managed to wake up everyday, to get dressed, and to take on the world. I don’t deserve this, I...

Mar 12th

Easier said than done

You don’t belong here, nor do I. If each of us is the person that the other is searching for then we have both found our peace. Wouldn’t that be nice and utterly impossible based on our luck and timing? Why don’t you just call that person you’re missing. Send them a text or email or even a handwritten letter… something, anything. It seems we all share the same...

Mar 11th

Still just you

In my heart, I still talk to you. In my mind, I still update you on things that happen to me on a daily basis—my life concerns, what I would like to do, places I want to visit, restaurants I would like to try, plans I’d like to have materialize. In my space, I still sleep with you, ask you if you like my newly-designed necklace or bracelet, if you think they match my new dress that...

Mar 10th

Change lags behind emotions

It’s been eight months, can you believe it? Eight whole months since I’ve seen your face or held your hand. I think about you every day, even without meaning to. It happens when I least expect it and takes me by surprise every time. I can still imagine your face, your loving smile and the way your eyes looked when you smiled. I still remember the way you’d put on your shoes and...

Mar 9th

Enough is enough

You hurt me too much. You pushed me out of you life for someone else but breaking my heart wasn’t enough for you. You attacked my character, my ego and my pride. I could have died and you wouldn’t have known or even cared. The times when I really needed you, you where with him not answering my calls. Everything and everyone was more important to you than me. Your choice was clear and...

Mar 7th

All pain is not the same

This hurts so much and I don’t want to “play it off.” I love you with all of my being. I want you and you only.

Mar 6th

Transience

I can’t help but be upset by this. In the immediacy of now, I wonder why the hurt quantitatively eclipses the pleasure of it all. I know that you need time before communication and I understand that—thus the passive method used here. I found a personal ad in the paper that you had to have written… it has your heart written all over it. It made me smile and wish you happiness. So,...

Mar 5th

We are worth so much more

What it would entail is the hope for you and I to exist. To make certain you knew how important you really are to me. I would change the laws of love to translate my desire for you. I am no fool, believe me, yet holding on to something that seems to make sense. You tend to underestimate me in many fashions. Give me a chance to prove to you, who I am, what I am capable of, what I want to do for...

Mar 4th

Not impossible

Every day is a challenge to forget how wonderful life once was.

Mar 3rd

Dead end

I was driving for a long time yesterday and suddenly the radio went to a place I hadn’t thought of in a long time. Instead of my normal reaction of quickly changing the song before the thoughts sunk in too deep I let it play and suddenly I was filled with nostalgic memories of you, of us, of everything. I always loved your taste in music and us talking about how an album can take you back to...

Mar 2nd

Not being wrong or unreasonable

Every day you don’t call me, I realize that if I wait until you care enough to do something you wouldn’t normally do, I’m going to wait forever.

Mar 1st

Someday it will stop

Someday it will stop, I suppose. But it hasn’t yet. I guess I’m just not ready to let you go, not from my heart, anyway. I am so in love with you. I want to touch your face, to lock eyes with you, to feel your love pouring into me from so many different directions—your hands, your body, your eyes, your lips. The moments I relive, almost daily, are those spent during the last...

Feb 27th

Waiting for another chance

Everyday I’ll write for you. I’m hoping all the thinking, worrying and insane effort will pay off. I don’t know if you’re thinking of me, but I know you are constantly in my thoughts. I feel like I’m living the Lenny Kravitz song “I’ll Be Waiting”. I’m trying to give you space. I hope by doing that you’re not with someone else. I want you...

Feb 27th

I smile sometimes

I was staring out the passenger window, crying. You were passing on the right. You looked once, twice, three times. I felt you for a moment, then you were gone. Wish you could’ve seen me smiling instead.

Feb 25th

Repeat performance

I tried my hardest to be the friend that I always was to you but it seems it didn’t work. I tried to be supportive, as always. I wanted our friendship to last forever. You have always meant the world to me. In the lowest of lows you were there. You truly inspired me to become the person I am today. You showed me I am worth someones time even when I didn’t think I was worth my own. You...

Feb 25th

I miss you so badly

You’re my other half. I regret what I’ve done that has made you not want to talk to me. We usually watch the first snow fall of each year together. I missed it this year. I don’t believe in signs, and you know it, but this was the worst omen of the end for me. You said you’d always be my friend regardless of what happened, but friends don’t avoid friends. You’re...

Feb 23rd

To my future ex-girlfriend(s)

I don’t know why, but our relationships never work out for one reason or another, nothing huge or drastic, just they don’t end up working. I presume in the next month or two or I will meet you out and about. The attraction will be mutual and explosive. We will spend lots of time together and have fun for a few months. One day you will wake up and decide you don’t want to be in a...

Feb 21st

For future reference

It’s not that I want to, or even remotely desire to get over you, it’s that I have to get over you to move on as a person.

Feb 13th