This is Not About You

Just wondering…

If you knew how crazy I was about you, would you treat me any differently?

Loaves of Bread

Someone said to me, “The past two nights I’ve gone up to the grocery store to buy bread and I’ve gone to the same girl cashier each time. Tonight she said, ‘This is becoming a ritual for us, huh?’ and tomorrow night I’m going again even though I don’t need to.”

I said to him, “How do you go through so much bread?”

“I have a loaf and a half sitting next to my desk.”

I told you I missed you

And you told me that you haven’t had time to miss me. Somehow I understood.

Angry

I don’t know so I will type instead, because I can’t scream at you, or because I can scream at you, and that scares me, that I could find you, and hold you down, and just, scream, in your face.

Never leave your loved ones

I often wonder what happened to you, where you are now and what became of you. I drove by the old house and saw it was empty and for rent—kind of sad. So much time has passed since I last saw you. It’s been a year since I last wrote and never heard back from you, not even a reply or a how are you, nothing. Time before that you stabbed me in the back and heart and I didn’t hear from you that time either. I made an effort to communicate with you to no avail and I finally drew that line that I wouldn’t cross again—contacting you. There have been many times I’ve wanted to talk to you, pretty much every day, but I’ve finally learned what that gets me. I waited a long time hoping you would contact me but that never happened. And while I don’t read too much into this place I know you have been posting here on occasion, so I hoped that our last venue of communication would break the ice but instead you just used it as a game.

I am sorry in so many ways that things turned out as they did but I know there was nothing I could do to stop you from going down the path you did, and I am sorry. We all choose our own paths and while I am happy with the path I chose I do miss you everyday. I started my own company and it’s still up and running and even about to expand. I often find myself thinking about what it would be like if you were still here, in so many ways we meshed but the timing was obviously not right.

In the end, I concluded that except for an early moment of puppy love, I was nothing more than a place filler in your life and I couldn’t give up my entire life just to fill in where and when needed, that’s not love nor a relationship. I think most telling was that except for that brief flurry of Love/Hate communications from you, I never heard from you again, other than your random postings and we all know what that’s worth: nothing. Funny how you managed to stay in communication with all your other exs though?

I’ll share an observation with you, you often told me that you knew I loved you and yet you never really told me that you loved me, and I don’t think you ever did. You told me I was handsome and smart and whatnot but never “I love you”, of course you were still wearing your ex’s jewelry the entire time we were together so I guess that says something.

You asked me why I never left Chicago. The answer is because after so many years it just gets too hard to leave loved ones, time is oh-so-short and precious, leaving everyone I love once again was just too hard, even for life somewhere besides this god forsaken city, and so I stayed. You were part of that equation.

The other answer to the other question, why I “disappeared”, well seeing as you didn’t want a relationship I couldn’t put myself through the pain of just being your friend, I wasn’t just going to be a convenience anymore, sorry.

Not a moment too soon

You told me that you wished you could be in my mind for a second and I told you that you were already in my heart forever.

I’ll love you…

…for all eternity but soon, that won’t make a difference. You return my love with indifference.

If you’re wondering whether I’ll call you out again to protect others, the answer is no. Nor will I try to reach you again. I think this is the ending you wanted all along. You’ve chosen denial and cowardice—never facing the one you betrayed, never owning up to nor apologizing for your cruel and evil misdeeds, never doing anything to make amends and most disappointing of all, never learning how to respect the rights of others.

If I’ve misread your intentions, you’ve only yourself to blame. You’ve made direct communications between us next to impossible. I fear that the window of opportunity for you to begin rectifying that situation may already be passed. I must be honest with you about one thing. No matter how much I love you still, it will be next to impossible for me to trust you. I won’t give it freely, and it would take a complete about-face on your part to earn back the trust you’ve lost.

I could never hate you, but I truly despise the way you’ve disrespected me. I realize that it’s never been about me or us. Is always been about you, so I don’t take the disrespect quite so personally. I’ll never say never in regard to you, so if you contact me, I’ll have an open-mind and heart for you. I can’t forget what has transpired, however, so please don’t ask me to trust your words until your actions warrant such trust.

Rhetorical question

Why is it so much easier to hate someone for the rest of your life than to forgive and forget?

It is unfortunate that

My default solution for solving problems with friends is to never see or speak to them again.

And just like that

One little thing, and any crush I had on you was instantly gone.